Love is Weird

So, this love thing.
What about it?

People often ask me why I don't have a partner.
I often answer that I choose not to have one.
When people ask me that I feel like a freak.
Like.. it's so goddamn easy for people to fall and be in love. But not for me.
And like the fucking purpose of life is to have a partner. Bullshit!
I'd rather be alone/sex-crazed whore my whole life than being with someone just
for the sake of it. I get anxiety just thinking about it, the walls close in on me.
I don't understand people who stay in relationships with someone they're not in love with,
or even miserable with - just because it's 'comfortble'.
And another thing, these fucking rules we make up, like we own eachother?
'You can't do this and that'. 'You can't look at another man 'cause then you don't love me'.
BULLSHIT.

I seemingly can't be in love unless it's destructive in some way.
Does this mean that I don't like myself?
Does it mean that I'm a sadistic freak?
Does it mean that I'm afraid of letting anyone in?
Is it because of my growing-up-experienses?
Or is it simply because I am too passionate, too complicated, too sensitive?
Or maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe this is just the way the cookie crumbles.

Or is it that when we fall in love, we're just falling in love with ourselves?
Do I only fall in love with emotionally fucktards because I am one myself,
and that's why it always ends up being a mess?
I sometimes wonder just how many hearts I've broken. It's not a pleasant thought.
Maybe it's karma coming my way?

I have what they call 'relationship-phobia'.
For a girl like me it's easier to obsess over someone who is unavailable.
Any man who feels available is someone to run away from, or push away.
This is one of the effects of emotional incest.

"Codependence is a disease which involves the being's emotional defense system being
dysfunctional to the extent that it breaks our hearts and destroys our ability to Love and be Loved,
wounds our souls by denying us access to our Spiritual Self, and scrambles our minds so thoroughly
that it causes our minds to become our own worst enemies."


Fuck it.
I'm going to create,
for my heart to mend.
I'm going to paint,
my heartbreak away.
I'm cutting my fingers with silver glitter,
bleeding my pain away.
And I'm gonna sprinkle all of my heart, all of my heart,
on my art.

Love is just.. weird.